idontwannabeyouanymore
by aca-bechloe47
Summary: If "I love you" was a promise Would you break it, if you're honest Tell the mirror what you know she's heard before I don't wanna be you anymore TW Inside


**!TRIGGER WARNING! This story talks about Suicide, Mental Health, Depression, and Major Character Death. DO NOT READ if you are triggered by these things! This story is not for everyone! I'm serious, don't do it!**

**Title taken from Billie Eilish's song by the same name.**

Beca stared out into the night. The lights flickered as she looked out at the city that used to be home. All she could feel was the ache of pain in her heart.

How had things gotten like this?

How had she spireled so out of control?

How had she lost everyone?

How had she lost _her?_

Beca knew the answer to all of these questions. She knew the truth.

It was her fault. She had caused this.

If she had just… If she had just opened up. Told the truth about her issues. If she had just let _her _love her and not questioned it. God if she had just said something, anything at all. She wouldn't be standing her.

The flashback of the whole situation continued to play on repeat in her head. Like some kind of sick torture. She felt like hell would be more pleasant then this.

_Tears streamed down Beca's face as she stood in front of the love of her life. _

_"Answer me, Beca!" Chloe yelled. Her voice broke with emotion. "Please just tell me."_

_"I… Chloe." Beca began but didn't know how to continue. _

_"Is this it?" Chloe asked the sentence stung Beca's ears and caused her to draw back. "Is this where we draw the line and end it?" _

_"I don't…" Beca shook her head vigorously. "Chloe that's not what I want." _

_"Then say something!" Chloe urged. Beca felt so trapped. She didn't know what Chloe wanted her to say. She didn't know how this would solve anything. What could she do? "Are you even invested in this anymore, Beca? Do you even give a shit anymore? Do you love me?!"_

_"Of course I still love you, Chloe. It's always been you. You're it for me!" Beca finally found her voice. "Damnit Chlo, you're the only one for me. I know I haven't been there. I know, okay! I'm doing the best I can right now." _

_"Then what is it?! What's going on?" Chloe seemed to deflate and practically whispered the last part. "Let me in."_

_"I don't know how to." Beca shook her head. She turned and walked over to the window, looking out at the city. "I don't know what's going on with me." _

_"Beca, I want to figure this out with you. I want to help us fix this but I can't if you don't trust me enough to tell me." Chloe stated. The lack of emotion in her tone scared Beca. "This is it. Tell me the truth or I'm done."_

_Beca's eyes snapped to Chloe as the words sank in. Chloe was going to leave her. That's it._

_Beca shook her head as the tears fell. "Don't go." _

_"Give me a reason to stay." Chloe walked up to Beca and cupped her cheeks. "Give me hope that things will be better. That this will be a two sided relationship again."_

_"I'll do better." Beca promised. "I'll be better."_

_"That's not enough." Chloe stated. "You need to let me in. Tell me what's bothering you."_

_"Chloe I don't know." Beca stated desperation lacing her words, practically begging Chloe to believe her. _

_"You never went to the therapist, did you?" Chloe asked withdrawing her hands. Beca immediately missed the contact. _

_"No." She looked down at her hands. _

_Chloe had been trying to get her to go to the doctor. Get on some antidepressant or something. Talk through her shit. But she just couldn't. She couldn't face all the shit. _

_"I love you." Chloe stated. There was a strange finality in her tone that didn't go unnoticed by Beca. Chloe planted a soft kiss into Beca's hair. "Goodbye, Becs."_

_Beca looked up at her, desperately trying to think of something to say, anything at all. But she couldn't find her voice. _

_She stood frozen in place as she watched Chloe pick up her bag. She hesitated for a moment, as if giving Beca a chance to stop her, but when it didn't come Chloe walked out. _

_And Beca watched her leave. _

Now Beca stands upon the roof, staring out at the city, her city, their city. She wonders where she might be. Who she might be with? Was she thinking of Beca? Did she even care anymore? Did anyone actually give a fuck?

So she stared out into the nothingness that surrounded her.

Her breathing became erratic and uneven. No rhyme or reason behind when it came and when it left. Or when it stopped all together.

She felt like she was suffocating, drowning.

The pain seemed to consume her entire body as she sank down to the floor of the roof. She pulled her feet into herself and cried.

The truth was, Beca didn't know why she was so absent mentally and emotionally. She had known that was the case for the last few months. She figured it would pass, just like all the other bouts of depression had, but it didn't.

She knew she had been disconnected from her relationship with Chloe. It killed her that she couldn't give as much as Chloe needed. But it all just felt so impossible. The thought of getting out of bed was too much. The thought of doing anything at all drained her.

She understood and didn't blame Chloe at all for her frustration. She understood it all. Chloe had stood by her side through so much. She understood that Chloe would eventually get fed up with it and leave. It was inevitable.

Chloe was always too good for her.

But now that Chloe realized it and Beca was all alone, the hallow feeling of it all was far more vast then she thought.

Losing Chloe was like all the lights had been turned off in a room and Beca was shoved into it, the door locking behind her.

The hopelessness of knowing that she'd never get out. She'd never see light again. It consumed her.

Even now as she sat outside, the cold New York air hitting her, Beca worried she'd never receive a breathe of fresh air again.

Her entire body shook from the pain, the guilt, the sadness, the loneliness.

She knew nothing but that. And that's all she would even know.

Looking down at the ground below her, her vision still blurred, Beca allowed herself to think about it. She stopped blocking out the thoughts that had bombarding her for months. Finally allowing them to fill her mind.

No one gave a fuck.

They never did and they never will.

Facts are facts, even if you try to doubt them.

Beca was alone and would always be alone.

She wondered who would even miss her. If anyone would even cry.

She wondered who would be told first.

Her dad? Her mom? Chloe? No one?

Finally for the first time in hours, the tears subsided. Beca took in a breath and nodded her head with a decision.

It would be better for everyone involved. She knew it. She knew it.

She pulled out the paper that was neatly folded up, placed it on the roof next to her.

Standing up she didn't waver at all. She edged closer to the edge and stared down. She was surprised that she wasn't scared. She expected to be scared but all she felt was peace. It was going to be okay. They would all be happy. Maybe even she would be happy.

She took in one final breath, closed her eyes and took the step.

**The Next Day**

Chloe stared, her face completely void of emotion.

The man in front of her was saying something but she couldn't hear him. She couldn't focus on him. She couldn't do anything but feel her heart break.

He put out a piece of paper to Chloe, who reached out and took it.

"I'm so sorry." The mans words reached Chloe's ears. She gave a nod but her eyes didn't leave the paper.

_Chloe_

There was nothing but that written on the outside. It was written neatly in Beca's hand writing.

She took in a deep breath and unfolded it.

_Chloe,_

_I don't know how to write this. I don't know how to tell you I'm sorry. I don't know how to be the woman you deserve. I'm not her. I wish I was. I wish I was happier. I wish I could be everything you need. I know I've changed. I know I'm not who you fell in love with. I know you leaving was inevitable. I just… Baby I just don't know what happened to me. _

_I should have told you to stay. I should have fought harder for you. _

_You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. _

_You were the sunshine to my raincloud. _

_You were my everything. _

_I'm sorry I fucked that all up. _

_Chlo, I love you! I'll always love you._

_Thank you for teaching me what happiness looks like, feels like. Thank you for teaching me that love is real. _

_Goodbye, Chloe._

Chloe suddenly felt as thought she couldn't breathe. As if she was suffocating.

She needed air.

In desperation she ran outside and collapsed on the grass, allowing the tears to consume her.

All she wanted to do was go back in time. She wishes she could change Beca's mind. Changer her own mind.

She wishes she could help Beca know that Chloe wasn't leaving, she just needed a minute to calm down. She would go back to Beca. She always did.

"Oh my god…" Chloe breathed out as the sobs wrecked through her entire body. "Oh my god."

She just needed Beca.

_I love you, Becs_. Chloe thought to herself wishing with everything in her that she could say it to her.


End file.
